(original author unknown)
1) Everyone should play the same piece.
2) Stop at every repeat sign, and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat.
3) If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners.
4) Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up with the others.
5) Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way, you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience.
6) Take your time turning pages.
7) The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note.
8) If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost.
9) Strive to get the maximum NPS (notes per second). This way you gain the admiration of the incompetent.
10) Markings for slurs, dynamics, and ornaments are only there to embellish the score. Ignore them.
11) If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it is easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end.
12) If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we should tune."
13) Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs.
14) If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be very interested.
15) A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original.
16) When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes you have left over. Please play those on the way home.
17) A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with authority is an interpretation.